Those Advice given by A Parent Which Rescued Me as a New Parent

"In my view I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues during the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her chief support in addition to looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The role of both parents," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a good spot. You need support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable talking about the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a larger failure to open up amongst men, who continue to hold onto harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It is not a display of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to take a pause - spending a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of caring for a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son better understand the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible actions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, tell a family member, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. It could be playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the body - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they faced their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my role is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."